Tonight I put a two year old to bed… for the last time. We had a wonderful day. He was delighted that his party was finally here (he’s been waiting a long time, and it’s hard for a two year old to wait). He kicked balloons, hugged friends, ate cake and was finally ready for bed. As I was getting him ready, I looked around his room, and just stopped for a moment – I need to remember this.
Remember how the room looks in the light from his little moon lamp, how the toy cars are littered around his garage where they’ve been racing. How his books are higgledy piggledy on his bookcase and his best friend since birth (bun the rabbit) is lying on his pillow waiting for him. I need to remember how tiny his pyjamas are, how he still needs a little help to get the top on. How he dramatically takes his puffer, enjoying the attention. How he asks me to lie beside him, and twiddles my hair while we sing a few songs before sleeping.. what a wonderful thing it is to have a two year old, and what a wonderful year we’ve had.
It may sound strange to say we’ve had a wonderful year, given the ‘cancer’ and all, but lying here beside my gorgeous boy, that part just fades away. When I look back at the last year, I think about how much he has grown, how much more he can talk, how Mr M and I have laughed so hard at things he’s said. How his little personality shines through, how sweet he is to his friends, our many adventures and what we’ve learned and mostly moments like this. Quiet, ordinary, insignificant moments. These are what I remember. These are what you miss when your away, these are what you fight to get better for and these are what I’ll long for when he’s all grown up.
Since learning I had cancer, so many people have said to me “it must be so hard with a two year old.” I always explain to them that in some ways, yes, day to day, it can be difficult, but mostly it’s been my saviour. I am so grateful that I’ve had him. He has given me the best reason in the world to fight to get better. He has given me a reason to smile when I had none. When I felt like I had no strength to get out of bed, I got up for him. When I had no appetite to eat, I cooked and ate with him. When I couldn’t look in the mirror, we did it together (with drawn on moustaches). When I felt like I couldn’t go out, I took him to the park. When I wanted to cry for days on end, I slapped on my biggest smile and played playdoh with him. I have to give my wonderful boy the credit he deserves… he has got me through. I’ve had wonderful support from my husband and family and friends, but I got better for him. He has been so strong and so brave and so accepting of everything that’s happened this year… and that’s a lot when your two.
So goodnight and goodbye my little two year old, mummy has loved every moment with you and I am so proud of my little man. When you wake up, you’ll be a whole big three, and I’m so glad I get to be here with you. I’m not sure who’s more excited about Disney on Ice in the morning, but there’s no one else is rather see it with. Two has been amazing, I cannot wait for three. I hope that you remember all the moments I will never forget. ‘To infinity and beyond’.