When your all upside down and inside out, what makes you feel better? I’ve needed a lot of comfort over the last 8 months, I started to think about where I got it from.
Theo has had ‘bun’ his smelly toy rabbit since he was born. It was bought for him by my littlest cousin, I think I bought him something similar when he was born himself. Theo has loved it from day one, he’s had so many adventures with Bun and a few mishaps too. If he’s afraid in the night, he reaches for bun. If he’s feeling unwell, bun is trailed down the stairs with him. At 3 years old, he’s still partial to a nice dummy, that’s if things get really bad! He likes his ‘special blanket’ that my Granny knitted for him and also (strangely) an old necklace of mine which he carts around in his pocket.
I love how these objects can bring him immediate comfort and reassurance, although as a mummy, I know that I am his biggest comfort. I’m who he wants when he’s tired, or frightened or in pain. It’s a privilege, and such a responsibility, to be the ‘comfort’ of another human being. It was my most upsetting thought during the last 8 months – that I might not be there for him. If the worst had happened, he’d need me, and I wouldn’t be there. He’d be frightened, upset or ill and I wouldn’t be there. It was, and is, my greatest fear, having to leave my son if cancer had won.
When I was younger, I had a stuffed rabbit, he was pink and hideous but I loved him! Holding his ear always made me feel better. When I got older, I had a ‘worry stone’ that my Granda gave me before he died. As I’ve gotten even older I have… what do I have? I have a smelly pillow that I love, it doesn’t bring me ‘comfort’ as such but I definitely sleep better with it! Sure a good sized dominos order arriving gives me comfort, but only for a little while. Sometimes a cheeky bottle of red (or two) gives me comfort.. but comes at a cost the next morning. I’ve been racking my brain to think of what I reach for as my ‘comfort’.. it’s Theo.
He is what makes me feel instantly better. He’s what makes me forget whatever pain I’m feeling. He’s what calms my mind and allows me to think clearly… he is my ‘Bun’. Just as much as he needs me, I need him. As a mother, I sometimes focus on how much I have to give to my child, and have rarely stopped to realise how much I get! If scary thoughts come at night I get as much comfort from popping into his bed and holding his fat little hand, as he gets from popping into my bed and twiddling my hair. If I’m in pain, he cuddles me and I forget it. If I’m stressed, a dance around the living room to the GOGOGO DVD definitely loosens me up!
Life would be much easier as an adult if you could just reach for a stuffed animal or special blanket and immediately feel better but unfortunately life gets too complicated for that. However I’m privileged to have had Theo while going through cancer treatment, my very own little ‘Bun’. I can reach out an immediately feel comfort, and its looking like I’m going to get to be around to comfort him too. Life is good.