The word butterflies sounds so pretty, immediately images spring to mind of flowers, fluttery wings, sunshine… the feeling of butterflies is totally different. We’ve all had it. It’s that swirly feeling in your stomach, cold doubt around your heart and tightness in your chest. I’m someone who feels butterflies quite a lot
Am I good enough? Have I done the right thing? Have I said the right thing? I have come to the conclusion that throughout my life I have been a person who is full of self doubt. In my head the problem is always me. I’m not a good enough mother, not a good enough wife, not a good enough friend… I snowball until I genuinely believe that the world hates me and I’m the worst person on the planet.
It’s always easier to believe the bad stuff. I have a wonderfully supportive family and some amazing friends who tell me that I’m brave, that I’m kind, that they are proud… yet I still believe that nasty little voice inside that tells me I’m not good enough. I got to thinking… why?
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I put myself down? Why do I punish myself? I believe in life that you get back what you put in, I feel I try everyday to put good stuff in, a smile, a hug, a bit of encouragement… why don’t I let myself get that back?
Two weeks ago I said goodbye to one of the most inspirational women I’ve ever met, who invented girl power before anyone even knew what it was, and in her 90 years on this earth left behind love and lessons that I will make a priority in my life. She didn’t want to leave sadness behind her, but asked that she be remembered by how much she loved others… what a wonderful legacy to leave.
One week ago I turned 30. I believe I’ve learned a lot in my 30 years, yet I have not ever managed to getaway from the nasty butterflies. If I ever want to get back what I put in then I actually have to let myself. I don’t want to spend the next 30 years filled with self doubt. Change the little voice inside me so that its cheering me on, rather than putting me down. I know who I am, I’m happy with who I am and those butterflies need to be squashed.
I need Theo to grow up believing in himself, believing that anything is possible and believe that he is a good person with a kind heart and a beautiful soul. I am not a good example of someone who has a lot of self worth, it’s certainly something I need to work on, for me, and for him.
‘You give a little love and it all comes back to you’ (if you let it).